CRAP BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL CRAP (THE ONGOING STUPIDITY THAT IS HR 5034)

Recently, good friend Christine Hall contacted me from the CEI (Competitive Enterprise Initiative) passed on the latest crusades of Angela Logomasini, CEI’s Director of Risk and Environmental Policy regarding the continuing saga of the ridiculous and colossally inane proposed legislation known affectionately around the wine biz as H.R. 5034.

The five of you may remember me yammering on about HR 5034 back here, here, here, here and here. I don’t usually get really swept up by the asinine world of politics (did I really just say that?) – I usually defer to the master of all things wine and politics, Mr. Tom Wark of Fermentation – but occasionally I find myself just wondering WTF?

Today, the laughable excuse for legislation is up in a hearing on Capitol Hill, and with any luck, it will be flushed down the pipes and washed out into the Potomac, but having said that, it will probably find its way sandwiched between another bridge to nowhere, and a pay raise for the Senate.

Supposedly, this bill is going to help wholesalers combat underage drinking, enable stricter regulation of the spirits industry by each state, and limit or eliminate the number of lawsuits challenging the status quo by consumers.

To point out that the two biggest jokes of legislation ever in the history of American government were Prohibition and the repeal of Prohibition, this is certainly poised to come in at a close number 3. The biggest and most preposterous argument of this bill is that it will give WHOLESALERS the ability to control underage drinking. HEY ASSHOLES! That’s the RETAILERS’ JOB! And this bill is clearly an attack on the one tier that works their collective asses off specifically for the customers. This bill is nothing more than clandestine protectionism and an open door policy of legitimate intimidation tactics on behalf of the wholesalers and the wholesalers’ lobbyists. Nothing more, nothing less. Anyone who enjoys wine, beer or spirits should tell their congressperson forget about this bill. In a day and age where every job counts, and retailers of all ilks are hurting, why would you come up with something that would crush a very large, tax revenue generating industry like ours?

And don’t get me started about those consumer lawsuits. Don’t you think there wouldn’t be any lawsuits if you – the wholesalers - had consumers’ interests at heart and not your own. I realize that the American Way for business owners is to stomp all over the Middle Class on the way to the top, and stand there with your machine guns and grenade launchers aimed down at the peons, keeping those further down that hill from ever getting close to your gold-covered Shangri-Las.

To see which Representatives really don’t have consumers interests in mind, supporting this monstrosity, go here. To check out the bill in all its nonsensical glory, go here.

In case you haven’t figured out already, I am against this piece of shit. For starters, it will prohibit out-of-state retailers from advertising – which means that our stores, which are bridge stores, and dependent upon out-of-state customers, - we are in deep doo-doo. Ohio retailers advertise on the radio here in this area – which is the Greater Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky metropolitan area, and vice versa. And I am sure we are not the only market to be affected adversely by this well-intentioned but monumentally naïve legislative brainstorm. However, the bulk of our leaders on the Hill probably never had to worry about paying their bills on time, keeping food on the table, taking care of your families.

This bill is bad for everyone EXCEPT the wholesalers – so the grape growers, wineries, distilleries, breweries, brew pubs, restaurants, spirits brokers, importers, anyone affiliated with the wine, spirits and beer industries who don’t work for a wholesaler, and let’s not forget the millions of people who do imbibe and spend around $57 billion dollars a year – which generates a helluva lot of tax revenue for state’s programs – that should be sufficient enough a catalyst to get everyone on Capitol Hill to vote no on this thing, if it does make it out of committee.

But we’ll see. If there is a way the government can screw things up more than they already are, it won’t take them very long to find it (a lobbyist has the very idea steaming in his dirty underwear).

[Okay, now bring it.]